Unspoken Confidence

I feel good again. I feel life again. I'm no longer empty of joy. it feels good to know that someone thinks of me periodically, even if it's nothing physical. I feel hope again. I know it's coming my way - I feel the greatest gift of life and that's peace. I feel the wind beneath me - I could stand atop a tree. I'm feeling all those feelings. I feel lonely no more. I feel blessed to have you read me. I feel like I'm never going back again to the cold, emptiness. I feel loved by family and friends. I feel luck when you see me - I feel like nobody could make me happy but me. I feel comfort in my loneliness. I feel like I've been talking to a beautiful being. I feel like nobody was meant to understand me. I feel like heaven is within my reach. I feel like nobody owes me anything. I feel like I'll be happy if you never see me because you've given me the greatest joy. Silence.

"For Women Who are Difficult to Love" by Warsan Shire

“you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.”

What Love Feels Like

I see ordinary people in extraordinary places. I feel ordinary among those extraordinary spaces. I feel no wind beneath me. I feel no spark within me. That is how I treat love, and how love treats me. It hasn't been the warmest to me. It hasn't given me a chance to breath - a chance to speak. It won't seek me. It won't feed me. It won't show me anything I could handle - it shows me what I've been missing. It wants me to feel helpless. Though I am h o p e l e s s about love.

11/26/13

I wish we could reverse into Wednesdays soft kisses. 

Thursdays groping hands and exploring secret places. 

Fridays caring glances and wiped tears. 

Saturdays fervent loving, pulsating rhythms to an early clock. 

And Sundays relaxing touch, fingers saying goodbye.



I miss you staring at me, no words just feeling.  Laughter and smiles between kisses.  The smell of your neck as your arms circle me.  Holding hands across the front seat, chuckling at your ashiness.  Rubbing my fingers through your hair.  But most of all your kindness I feel between our hearts.  The safety.  The care.


The potential space between us and love is real.


I'm restless to explore it.

The sound of your silence

These feelings that I've had aren't fertile. I've been carrying a 3-year-old in my chest for months.

The time to change my behavior has come. There's no end to my thoughts. I want you to want me. That shouldn't be difficult to understand - there's no science behind it. I've been wanting to hear you speak - so bad that it brings me to a terrible place. You won't allow it, and I ask myself why. 'Why' do you reach me - on the safest terms? 'Why' won't you give me a ring? 'Why' do you force me to suppress my feelings?

Everything that I've been feeling is releasing itself to the part of me that knows I could walk away any given moment. But I rather stay and lose myself to your charm. I want to love you in the safest way and provide you with the safest acts of it - kisses, hugs, hands, stares, massages, conversations, etc. Nothing that I'm able to do with you across states. Why don't you realize that I've tried to expose you to my inner-most thoughts and reasons why you should see my world? Oh, how it isn't a world without you. It didn't mean a lot to tell you that I get nervous during interviews, but sharing the music that I love with you was a milestone.

You're too beautiful and you might not be worth anything to have. But what does it all mean if I can't hear you.